call and response

Each piece starts with an idea that is charged with excitement. I quickly move into flow state and feel pure joy as the imagery flows through me. Perhaps there is a slight struggle with a bit of colour or tone or composition but I quickly resolve it using my technical skills… and then I think I’m done; I think I’ve gotten away without going through the actual struggle.

After some time has passed I’m always called to come back. The work begs for me to continue… it asks for more saturation, more texture, more depth, it has more to say and I have restricted its potential with my desire for ease…it begs to be honoured in the way that it needs to be…and so I return.

This time anxiousness, discomfort, distress, anger and the fear that I have meddled with and ruined something that was perfect just as it was completely encompass me… I panic and break… and then I experience the little death… I feel something in me die during this process. Waves of grief wash over me and through me. I always cry at this point. I am flooded with painful memories leaving my body. It hurts in my chest and burns my throat. And then once I release, I start to feel relief on the path. As I stay, the colours lighten again. The brush does not feel so heavy anymore and I know I must keep going because I’m almost finished moving through the cycle. Soon after the little death, I can feel my healing happening in real time with the resolving strokes. I arrive at a finishing point and find rest and a sense of fulfilment. Arriving can take hours, days, weeks, months or even years.

For larger pieces I am often called to return many times so will have to go through the cycle more intensely with those entities.

Working with these pieces affects me so deeply as I also affect them… It’s difficult to keep going through this process becoming more and more sensitive each time, but I must. The only way out is through. I couldn’t have run from this if I tried. This process is in every aspect of my life… working through this in my art is healing me tremendously… the vulnerability is excruciating but so beautiful to experience and witness the ripple effects of simultaneously.

Thank you for seeing xxx